Looking Beyond the Cracked Window...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

In the Hue of Blue

On a bright September afternoon, the warmth of not only the sun on my skin, yet words spoken.
Promises given.
A soft light chatter.
And you.

Days were numbered.
Words counted.

As if time stood still. And yesterday was now.
So much has filled the days. All good and fulfilling.
And still the grayness hovers.

I knelt in the wet grass and sought out some comfort. Long has it been since I have sat in this spot. Fifteen years to be exact.
I broke that promise today.
The reasons for not, are not just for promises.
For the reality comes.
Comes heavy.

"Do not kneel at my grave. Do not cry, for I am not there."
No you are not.
Compelled today, to seek this out. To touch the stone, to read the name.
To weep.

concrete.

A day of glee with the children, for the impending night of frolic is at hand. Which shall distract me.
Enough.

Ghosts and goblins all in their best. Behind the outward smile...a bit of tears to escape.

I wish to find the right...words. To put it all in it's place.

Dad...I miss you.

GVO October 31, 1930- October 27 1994

143
Josephine

A background story I share: Remembering Spanky

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Labels: 143, A Chapter in My Life, beautiful silence, Days Lost, Emotional Mason, Grief, In the Hue of blue, Repost, Words

posted by Jod{i} at 10/27/2009 08:36:00 AM, |

What say You?....1 comments

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Inner Child

I have made peace with my inner child. That lonely little girl who desperately yearn to be loved , to be held. To be wanted.
The little girl who found solace playing alone. No one to tease her, hidden within her world of dolls and books.

As this inner child's skin grew...her yearning became deeper. Accomplishing herself. Utilizing her drive, her motivations, as warped as they may have been, to rise to the top. To be the best. Not winning? What was that...not this chickie.
And as her skin grew around her fragile interior, the demon crept in. Eating away. Ingesting all of her worth.
That need to be. To be one of "them". To fit in. Believing in the fallacy that she needs to be accepted by "them". That search of love was misguided. A quest to "feel" loved. Having a twisted faith, that if she gave and poured her heart out that the void left would be filled. That muddy existence blurred. Escalated to dangerous/risky behavior. She fit in alright.

Coming to terms with this inner child inside, that little girl waving to me as I walk along. Whispering devilish prose in my sleep. Waking me to evil dances. Engaging my thoughts with temptuous delights. While she danced on moonbeams with that ever so contagious smile.

She gave into her too many times. Too many times her accomplishments led to her demise. And with each failure; this me, who she is today, grew stronger. {And for a time, building a wall. Surrounding herself, isolating herself. Keeping all at bay. No one gets in alive. It just hurt too much.}

I miss that child. Her innocence. Her zest. Her impulsiveness. Her LOVE of the world and life.
Yet she was unable to cope with the balance needed to survive.
Fighting and kicking the woman all the way.

I embrace the woman she became over the years. She still has growing to accomplish. Her path endless beyond the horizon.

Yeah, I have made peace with my inner child.

I sent her to bed. She's grounded.

Peace

Labels: Acceptance, Emotional Mason, Inner Child, recycled, Repost, Rethought

posted by Jod{i} at 10/03/2009 07:08:00 AM, |

What say You?....3 comments

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Once Lost

There are times when we all feel lost. Lost in a world that doesn't recognize that we are not okay. My travels have not been without these moments. Looking back is not a horrible thing. Looking back should be part of that movement forward. Gazing out with a slight touch of THEN, or taking that hard stance and picking over every single little moment, is all good. It affords us those moments, of a realization of where we were and where we ARE.
Movement. Forward.
Looking back at some hidden files of mine, I made a discovery. I found Old Old writings. As I sat and read them, I even wondered if they were mine. "Did I really write that?"
Example:

"Some clarity.
I have come to some realization that this little dirt path of mine sucks. I am getting off it. Making a turn. Now.
My meanderings have taken me way off course. Feeding my head with poisons, so toxic I may have really gone too far.
My search is not ending or will it ever be finished, it just needs to take on a different direction. A healthier one.
Having a hollow that we perceive has needing to be filled, we engage in a thought process that can be debilitating. Seeking that something more. Bah.
I know now what I need is change. A new.
Emersing my mind in behavior unbecoming TO ME. Justifying that it is painless. It is okay. It is not.
Denial. Evil demon filled word. It eats away at the flesh until it gets to the core, then there is no turning back. There is nothing left to turn back to.
I have made denials all my life. Living in this world of my perception. Yeah, it got me through. Yet wasnt true.
I expect honesty from others...One would think I's start with myself. Be honest with myself. Observations upon my character, hurt. The truth does. Hence, I denied they existed. Leading me deeper into a world of half truths.
During this little jouney the past few months I have gained an enormous amount of knowledge about myself. Part of this little get to know me session has been destructive. Part of it a great learning experience, still it seethes with negativity.
That last mask is there, waiting to be removed. It may do so on its own. No matter how much I resist it. Actions have lead to the moment I have lost control. I can regain it, I am aware. Yet I sit on the edge here and really there is only one way off. I just hope its not too late.
My personality, my whole make up, has run on extremes. It is black or it is white. No gray. I just ran into the gray. I dont like it. I dont find it enjoyable. I pushed, I pushed and I pushed that envelope. Bursting through, as I always do. Stepped right into this world, unfamiliar, unknown. I dont have a clue what to do with it.
I have never been able to just do a simple task, any endeavor I have ever engaged in, just gets taken to the next step, then the next until there are no more stairs. I want to just jump, to float endlessly.
Chaos. I create it. I thrive on it. I despise it.
Whatever comes out of this, I know I can not change it. I can no longer perserverate on it.
I do know where I want to be, I am there, physically. I just need the mind to catch up.
I need to begin to forgive myself. Walk away from the bubble of what I thought I was looking for in this quest. I have found it doesnt exist. It is not tangible. Why? It is an abstract idealism. A goal I have set up for myself that is unobtainable. Unreachable.
This has been fed by the lack of self esteem. Lack of self respect. Lack of self confidence. And Yes Flava, lack of self love. In my search for all of those, I perversed it. Thinking and temporarily sated with the attention. {Just so ya'll know THAT was a hard admission}.
To heal now, I am going to take my lumps. I am walking off the path. Beginning a new. I must. If I don't do it now, I may never.
I am so exhausted of being lost."

People have asked me what my Defining moments are/were, and I truly come up blank. And yet when I look back ad read...I would have to say those moments are locked up. They have been lived, they heaved and at times seethed. I relive them only to keep the perspective. To remain on the path that is now. Reliving, picking them apart, opening those long locked boxes to appreciate where I stand.
Yes I wrote that.
Yes I made those admissions.
Am I still lost?
Getting closer to the focus than I was before...

*art by rabidpescatore

Labels: 7/7/07, Acceptance, Emotional Mason, Inner Child

posted by Jod{i} at 9/29/2009 08:57:00 AM, |

What say You?....0 comments

Why nothing gets accomplished...

Why? Oh I don't know...

"Mom, Anna's touching me"

Anna don't touch your brother.
"Ma! Paul won't let me use the phone!"
Paul let your brother use the phone.
"Can Kyle, Casey, Mike,and Zach sleep over?"
WHAT?!
"Can Kyl--"
I heard what you said, Did you fall and hit your head or something? NO, they all can't sleep over.
"Why not?"
Not tonight
"Why not??"
Ask your father.
"I did, he said ask you"
Because.....errrr, I have things to get done.
"Like what?"
Excuse me?
"Mom"
What!
"Conner took the ball"
And?
"It's mine"
And?
"I was playing with it"
Paul please get your clothes from the basement
"Huh?"
The clothes...
"What about 'em"
**The Look**
"Sigh"
"Can I go to Trish's"
Yes please do
"Can I have ride to the mall"
When?
"Now"
Now?
"Now"
I guess.
"Mom! Conner hit me"
Conner please don't hit your sister.
"She bit me"
Anna....Did you bite your brother?
"No"
Anna!
"Daddy, Conner hit me"
"Mom, can we go?"
Yes, Paul we can, jus' a minute please
"Why does HE get to go to the mall?"
"Shut up Jeremy"
Paul, don't talk like that!
"Why can't I go?"
He's older.
"He's always older"
**Dumbfounded, confused look on mom's face. Need a minute to process**
"MOM!" **Crash**
What was that? Why is there cereal in the toilet? Nevermind I don't want to know.
"I'm hungry,can I have a snack?"
After lunch.
"I don't want lunch"
You just said you were hungry.
"I want a snack"
Just a minute.
"Can I have a drink?"
Yes
"I can't reach it"
Why not?
"I'm too short"
**That explains it** Take one out of the fridge.
"I don't want those"
Of course not. Be right there.
"Mom, Jeremy won't start the PS2"
Jeremy please start the PS2.
"Why?"
I asked you to?
"Paul never starts the PS2"
Does it matter? Please just start it for your brother
"Why can't Paul?"
I didn't ask Paul.
"Mommy?"
Yes Rhianna.
"Can I sit on your lap?"
Yes Anna.
"What's that?"
Keyboard
"what's that?"
Mouse
"How come?"
Because.
"What's that?"
Pictures.
"Birds?"
Birds.
"Mom!"
WHAT!
"Can I have a grilled cheese?
I thought you didn't want lunch?
"I'm hungry"
Why aren't the dishes done?
**Silence**
Hello? Why aren't the dishes done?
"I don't know"
It wasn't a question.
"Sounded like one"
Stop Running!
"Mom!"
Yes *sigh*
"Can we play outside?
It's too cold ou-...Yes Yes you play outside. Outside is good!
"Mom?"
Whatttttttttttttttt.
"I love you, you're the best"
Thanks Anna, you too!

This is why I can't get anything done!!! LOL. This was just in the course of an hour LOL. Welcome to my world. Is it bedtime yet??

Labels: Children, Conversations in my house, Humor Me, originally in 2005, recycled, Repost, rerun

posted by Jod{i} at 9/29/2009 06:38:00 AM, |

What say You?....2 comments

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Riptide

Riptide...

Living our lives with such a freedom, such a flowing existence. Wading out in the water. Floating. The water surrounds us, unknown to our bodies the amount of pressure that is being exerted on us. We swim freely, out farther and farther. Not paying attention to where we are, or where we are headed.
The air, salty to our nostrils.
We take that look behind us, realizing we have drifted. Too far out.
We begin to swim back, only to realize we've been pulled out. So caught up in the moment. Caught up and knowing the consequences, we continued. Not a care in the world. We werent doing anything wrong.
Now, we struggle against the tide. The harder we push forward the tighter the hold. The panic. The fear.
Legs kick harder. Arms struggle more, getting tired.
Our thoughts slam, panic, anxiety at full throttle. Desparately we swim for shore, going nowhere. Going nowhere fast.
Air comes shorter, as we bob with the sea. The free floating, now an endeavor of a lifetime, just to stay above water. There is no voice to be heard. The mind is too occupied with keeping the body afloat. One attempt to scream, our words stifled by the salty water invading our lungs.
The momentary clarity, as your eyes look to the sunsetting out over the horizon...Will this be the last? A calm surges throughout my immediate existence.....
.... Giving up. Giving in. Letting the battle be won.
Letting your body just drift. Hoping to float endlessly in this peace that washes over. Your mind escapes to lands, far far away.
The tide has won.
In the cold, lonely water, the numbness of your toes, your fingers...is all you dont feel.
A realization.
The tide has ceased to pull and push. Within your submission, the tide and all its anger, also relented.
Free. Free from the riptide. Free from the demons that plague one's mind. The fatigue suddenly slides away, to give you room, for the stretch to shore.
The struggle no more.
The suffocation, those desparate gasps for air. Any air. As you lift your tired bones from the water, collapsing upon the sand. Sucking in air, hard and heavy. Just thankful to be alive.
Looking out to that horizon as the sun gives it final bow of the day.
Ever so thankful. To come out on the otherside. To be embraced within all that pain and all that beauty.
She made me see, she made me feel, deep to my core and within my psyche. All of that power, all of that angst, all of what she is...She showed me...I am alive. And she wanted me to remember. And never..
ever,
Forget.
I won't.
I can't.

Peace

Catch ya'll on the otherside!

Labels: re re, recycled, redone, Repost, reuse

posted by Jod{i} at 9/26/2009 09:51:00 AM, |

What say You?....2 comments

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dear Muse......

Dear Muse,
I am writing you this letter to....ummm to

Dear Muse,
Hey how are ya? How is life? Way the hell over there? I am writing you this little -

Dear Muse,
Greetings from my brain. I just wanted to jot down this note to inform you of my ~~missing~~. ~~disdain.~~ frustration irritation and every other dang word under this yellow orb and blue sky!

And yet, in my own little reflection, I take ownership. I can admit my flaws. Yes to you more so than anybody else. I will take my fall for this failed relationship. I can totally understand why you choose to stay away. Ignoring my pleas to return.

I dont let you be you.
I get that.
I sat outside today, during my lunch. I miss you more than ever. My heart feels empty without you.
And all i have ever asked was why?

The thoughts have passed and all the reasonings followed.(Read that excuses). I own it.

For the first time in, oh say 38 years, I have no real desire to write. In any fashion. Sounds so simple. So easily remedied, doesnt it?
Alas it is not. There is so much attached to that thought.
38 years.
I have always written. Always. In some fashion. Free and paid. For desire, for want, for need, for it was me and I was it.
Now, I feel like a lost child.
It is not just writer's block. It is not burn out.
A wee little girl writing, more like scribbling, fulfilling her every whim on paper with ink.
Grown into...

To what?

A grown little girl who had a passion for words, for the story, for it all.
Gone.
Usually when you lose something, its in the last place you look. I feel so empty and yet my life is just so full.
THat space and that time, the zone? Has moved on. Is that it? You have found another to fulfill your needs?
Inspiration is...lax. None. I feel very uninspired. Can this be so true? That the words would finally leave me? That I would have nothing left to offer?

That sitting here is punishment and the affair is over?

I dont know quite where to go with this emotion. For it is new. I have never felt so alone and abandoned.
I even turned down an opportunity to read and edit for a script.
No desires.

This is not all you, my dear wonderful muse. I would suppose it has been very demanding. Truly your time away in all these years has been few, and your stays away short.

I have also put constraints on you. I realize this.
The carefree, freaky- free spirited child, told to mind her p's&q's.
Letting others dictate what I(you) write or how I(you) write. Letting the statistics hinder any progress. To deluge the mind with worries, where you never had one.
Your freedom, stinted.
That double edged sword. Writing to write, for oneself. And yet wanting to share. TO more than just a few.
We did that.
We did it well for a bit.

Then we ventured out, added a few new topics to the curriculum, as we are made up of more than just benign soft and sweet thought provoking words.
We are full of substance, yes?
We are more than what one may read. One lousy opinionated post. A moment in time totaled of only minutes. And people begin to drop off.
No sweat correct...
and again and more leave...

Left to wonder of what really should be written. Silliness and rants. Yes yes we are powerful with our angry words. We are intrigued by the thoughts of philosophy. Of course we enjoy a good chuckle, now and again.

Limited. Feeling suffocated.

I get this.

I now understand why.

As the sun burned quick on my skin, a feeling of comfort comes from such- the sounds, that once were my inspiration, the smells the commonality.
The bench in which you sat, now empty.

My dearest Muse, I am not begging you. I can no longer grovel, or even entice you to return to my embrace.

Just the time we had was so

so bittersweet.

with love,

WTF?!

daizie

Labels: Letter, Notes to self, Repost, Time, Written Words

posted by Jod{i} at 8/26/2009 07:27:00 AM, |

What say You?....3 comments

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Didn't I just do this? Oh...yes a year ago...

Reflection.

There is the gnawing reflection of who stares back at me. A little wiser, through mistakes and plain stupidity. There is this face with a few more laugh lines and laugh I do.
Underneath, behind this woman who stares at me, is still that inner child. She still exists.

Being afforded the time to take a gander back and immerse ones self in all that is good.
Remembering where one was in relation to where one is...at the moment.

This past year has been a huge 'growth' spurt. More emotionally. More of "that chatter in the matter".

With this reflection, of the passing year, I can come out the otherside, with a calm feeling. One with a taste of serenity.
Oh, there is still strife, those little things that just claw from the inside just wanting to unleash at the world. That wants to rip the inner sanctum of the self to shreds.
And yet one trudges on fighting the good fight. Muck and all.

Today I reflect on those who have and are the ones who have given me life. In one form or another.
I am not an overly religious individual. At least not by the standards of society. I do not assign myself one name over another.
Yet I carry a faith with me and it has no name. It just is.

On this day, as everyday, I want to revel in the moments of a life...
With gratitude. With contentment.
And I am all and more.

As these years zoom by, these reflections spin more frequently. With more intensity.
The realization of "Hey wait a minute I just did this a year ago!"...well didn't I?
My heart has been humbled. My heart has filled with joy. And not a damn day goes by that I don't relay this to those I hold close. To those I find a connection.
And to those who found one with me.

Many expect 'things', many wait for 'things' to occur, to be given.
Not me. Not today.

I want to give to those who have given me laughter, tears and the rawness of life.
For without them, there would be no me.
The obvious is my parents. Well duh...
To the one who still makes my heart skip a beat, yes to this very day(20 years now as of Wednesday).
And to my children, who everyday remind me just how sweet life is...
"Living in Sway"....everyday grabbing those moments keeping them as fresh as one can, for the day will come when one loses that memory, cluttered on and on with another.
To my friends..the few I grip tightly to and "get me". Understand and still stick around.

ANd to all of you I have come to know, or get to know even if it is just through words. Inspirations, dreams, aspirations to be a better person, life, love, laughter and to be placed in the world of Humble, all through your eyes(words)...
I thank you.

Two words for me, that sum up the whole: Contentment and Gratitude.

I will always seek that "Peace". Having been asked numerous times, is there any moment in my life, where I can place peace?
No...I have come to accept this as my quest. I have come to accept that Peace will come when I lay my head down and my eyes will no longer see light.
I am content with this and I am grateful I have what I have, who I have and I wouldn't change a thing. Not one iota.

I ask for nothing. I desire none. No trinkets, no treasures, no baubles at all. No new shiny things to make me go Ahhh...
All I require is reciprocation. No acknowledgment, except Time. I have all I need, right here and now.

To the old, to the new, to those to come, I welcome it all.

All in a Reflection of one passing year.

* 1,388,437,953 seconds-where does the time go?

Peace
Jo

And to those wondering, my silence is not due to any depression or anything other than...L-I-F-E. I am well, quite well in fact. I have been reading EVERY.SINGLE. Blog on my side bar, that still exists...I have...I just haven't time to dialogue. ~ Peace
...as it was more a statement for myself, and to share, yet not necessarily one I seek comments(The 'happy bdays'...I wasn't seeking them...) ;)

Labels: Balance, Birthday, It's all good..., Life, Reflections

posted by Jod{i} at 8/25/2009 07:11:00 AM, |

What say You?....4 comments

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Someone's Mother

Seventeen years ago, I was scared. I felt so alone.
My life, on that very night was about to take a turn that I could never, ever change.
Life as I knew it, was over.
Seventeen years ago, on the eve of today, I cried myself to sleep.
The next day, I was to become a mother. My first son was to be born. Man, was I scared. I remember pacing around my room. Folding clothes, placing them in the dresser. Then refolding them. People call it nesting, I called it freaking out.

Four days prior to this moment, I was told the baby was breach. The next day, I went back to the hospital, they were going to move him manually.
Yes, manually. Yeah....it's as fun as it sounds.
They began the procedure, by pushing on my belly. "This baby wasnt budging." a nurse said as she pushed with all her might on my swollen body.
A specialist entered the room, examined me(which at 34 weeks is no pleasure walk in the park), and then the ultrasound. The baby was stuck. The head under my rib cage, the feet, legs in a sitting position. And, there was not enough fluid to attempt the procedure again. They would push,the baby could move right back, the cord could be collapsed and then the rest of what the Doc said just blurred. The last thing I remember was, "Considering the kidney issues(mine), the baby in breach, you will have to come in on Monday for a C-section". Dazed, I could only say, "O.K."
Monday came, I was awake during the whole surgery. That was a trip in itself. My mother came in the operating room with me. Well to make a long story short, we had no idea if the baby was boy or girl. Twenty minutes into the surgery the Doc asked what names I had picked out. I replied Haley or Paul. Then he popped this little tiny baby with mounds of hair over the blue surgical barrier, and there he was, Paul Michael. I will never forget that moment. Nothing at that very second mattered. Not the burning in my back from the epidural, not the fact that my face felt like it was going to explode from being tilted. His eyes were wide, his lungs were strong. I was strapped down still unable to hold him, to feel him, Gramma had the honors. God he was beautiful! I remember weeping. After that I don't remember much. The pain medication kicked in pretty quick. lol... wooo hooo loopy yes I was.
Then the news came. He had to stay in the nursery. He was tiny, just 5 pounds. He was 6 weeks early. Then more news came. There something wrong with his heart. He needed to see a specialist. They scheduled an appointment with the top pediatric cardiologist in the state, for the day we left the hospital. They assured me, it was just a mur mur, and common in babies born early.
They were wrong. That day is a blur as well. I remember standing in a dark room with my precious son, staring at a screen. On this screen was a color image of his heart. Dr. Diana was pointing out the hole in his heart. The nurse had to catch me as my knees gave way. I cried all the way home.
They avoided surgery and monitored how he was doing, at 8 weeks old he was back in the hospital. He had turned blue, I rushed him to the ER. We spent the next 2 weeks in the hospital. This child had tubes everywhere, needles probing him, and he had to stay in a tent. He was only allowed to be out of it a total of an hour a day. Devastating. But again, he pulled through. By the time he was 5, he got the all clear. The muscle had grown over/around the hole. That had to be the most joyous day.
Today, he is known here, as the Teen, Cave Dweller, Rocker. Yes the rebel gum chewer. He turns 17 today. I turn with him.
Bless this child...my precious precious son. To see him now as he towers over me.(Although he knows I can still take him out. I know he is reading this,hi Paulie)To watch silly movies or even deep serious film, and discuss the topics. To see a comedian and burn the punch lines for the next month or two. He gets Monty Python(need I say more?). To sit and chat with him, there are moments when I get lost in his eyes. Those dark chocolate eyes, I am transported back to that day when I first looked into them. Like a short film, all the moments of this little man deluge my brain. From day one to the present.
At 17, I feel pangs of my growing as well, and yet I am satisfied, comforted in knowing what kind of human being he truly is in his heart. His talents are incredible from his music to his writing. I am in awe and I am jealous, his thoughts and his style of writing blow me away. My pride wells, that he is my son. That he is who he is.
His fortitude, his common sense, his outlook on life and his own future.
His future. There was a time when I had thought that was limited. Yet he fought, and he survived, from day one.
I will never forget that day. The day I became someone's mother. The day I became Paul's mother.

Happy Birthday Paul! 143
(Baloney hater)

Peace

posted by Jod{i} at 1/27/2009 09:11:00 AM, |

What say You?....8 comments